UPDATE & Contemplations from my Random Mind

BRIEF UPDATE:
Titus started school yesterday (07/28/2011) - he is in 1st grade at Irvington.  We are working on impulse control... and probable will be for years :D  He has started reading with help and I am so proud of him for not getting defeated and giving up.  He struggles to sound out the words and is getting better - practice, practice, practice :)  I am trying to enroll him in a music class (on scholarship) this fall and looking into a sport that is downtown. 


Guerin is potty training :)  He is peeing like a pro... and officially in big kid undies. Pooping, sigh, not on the potty yet :(   He is adorable when he is not behaving with defiance typical of his age.  He is testing his boundaries and my patience with the word NO.  Bedtime is agonizing!  It's a good thing he is still adorable!

Jasen is currently playing Mass Effect 2... again, ugh!  Luckily he has head phones for the TV so I am not stuck hearing this "virtually stunning" game for the (somewhere in the teens? or 20's) time.  When he has worked it out of his system he will go back to working on his rewrite of his book "Tide of Souls."  He is looking forward to GenCon (as am I). 

Me:
I quit my job at Barnes and Noble, I now work at the Natatorium's front desk (super easy desk job).  I love being in an office again and like that my work load is light, and the atmosphere is laid back.  I can complete school work while at work (which is perfectly acceptable to do... squeals... so LOVE this job).  I am still a caretaker (on the weekends) for an elderly gentleman, and I am cleaning people's homes to make extra income.  I start school on August 22nd - finishing my BS in general studies.  I am very very over booked right now - my August work schedule is intense but I am hoping to find a better balance in September!! 


CONTEMPLATIONS from my Random Mind
Since I embarked on separating from Rob I have felt lost.  I thought a divorce would fix all the disgruntlement in my life and that I would certainly be much happier.  Instead, I found out that I am disgruntled by nature (something I get from my mom - at least I didn't get "the world is out to get me" issues), get lonely easily, and that I have many flaws that need improvement (I even know what some of them are). 

Do I truly feel satisfied? 
I have found satisfaction in the little things. 
       I love to clean for people - when they appreciate it.
       I like when Jasen helps with SOME chores - others I like done my way.
       I try to take special time out to spend with my kids (while not staring at TV).   I delight in their way of viewing the world & in their love, giggles, hugs and smiles they share with me.  

My dis-satisfaction stems usually from myself and so I am trying to talk myself out of my craziness.  I carefully balance the situation and try to see things from a different p.o.v.  As time passes it gets easier for me to understand why I should not be so angry and that I am over-reacting (or that I am justified). 

I am slower to speak now days and ponder things often until some of the raw emotion goes away.  Since Jasen and I spend a good deal of time arguing I figure I needed to evaluate my part of it. Instead of trying to convince someone to change their minds, I present my thoughts and let it go.  Some things though require me to stand my ground if they affect the lives of the kids, or mine to the point where I need to insist on understanding my perspective if only to live in peace, etc. 

I haven't felt worthy of friends lately (nor had alot of time for them).  I know friends are people you are supposed to lean on but I have heavily leaned on people and am boggled that they still find value in me!  LOL,  I know at the core I am a nice person but the things that leave my mouth... how does anyone put up with all that complaining!  You cannot exactly compare yourself to others, you are you and no one else is like you.  I feel others complain too, so maybe it is not so bad (sometimes it helps me feel better when I complain to know I am not they only one).  I know I have good traits too but as far as what I talk about in life it just seems like regurgitated disgruntlement.  I am working on breaking this cycle!

Life is supposed to be tough we all have different types of burdens to bear and it is those burdens that make us stronger.  Without our suffering we would never grow.  I have carried the burden of a very dysfunctional childhood and we all carry the burden of not having clearly defined social expectations. So we grow up carry the baggage of our upbringing into new relationships and then have to try to work those out. 

Some of us have the insight/good fortune/parental influence, etc. to marry someone who is a well suited partner.  It is not as if there are never any troubles but it is a partnership and both try to work to their strengths and try to accept the weaknesses.  It was Rob's strengths that I loved (and I miss) but I could not accept Rob's weaknesses and so I moved on.  I have spent most of my life sacrificing myself for the sake of others - so it has become a habit.  One that people respect about me - but one that can lead to self destruction, or the deterioration of self.

I have spent my whole life adapting to others and them adapting to me, while that is not abnormal, living in multiple environments growing up made it somewhat challenging.  In adapting myself so often it has made it difficult for me to "find" myself.  I am working on finding the balance between self and others. 

Maybe my friends love me for the same reason I love them - sometimes they come to "obvious" solutions that do not click until I hear them say it to me.  Sometimes it is helpful to state the obvious - and sometimes they offer additional solutions that I did not come up with myself.  And sometimes they just listen and love me anyway!  Maybe they see the good and accept my weaknesses?!

So I am not fixed I am still disgruntled, often lonely, work to much, get overwhelmed, struggle with staying healthy, etc. But I am still a person and I am glad you guys/gals love me :)

Why People are Sucked into Church

Many people would say they go to church for a few reasons and some of them have nothing to do with God.  I have been pondering church lately and realized why I miss it so much. 

I have taken a few socialist classes (the study of people’s social structures and how they reflect culture and society) and think the reason people in the US flock to church is because it is the form of community we are all lacking in our actual community.  One of the reasons people spend a good bit of time (in the protestant church) going through the process of find a church that is “just right for their needs” is because they are looking for a group of people who hold similar ideals to themselves.  They are looking for people to make parts of their extended family.  They are looking to make bonds and celebrate take part in the lives of others. 

One of the reasons it is so important to find the right church is because you want to hang with a group of people who have a similar world view – you do not want to be restricted or confined to a specific perspective you do not hold as a truth in your life.  And you want a church with a specific social climate that makes you feel welcome and a part of something bigger than your immediate family. 

What many countries have in their collectivist environments is an obligation to family and to culture.  In the US we channel all of our obligations into our religions and to our immediate family.

The reason this was on my mind because I was thinking about what I miss about church over the last year – what was it I was lacking when my faith is not “Biblical” or defined by a single religion.  So why do I find myself missing the familiar greetings and answers even if I do not believe them?  I realized that for me church has always been a somewhat social club where I made connections with others.  Yes the message would sometimes speak to me (depends on the speaker) but what always appealed to me first was the social scene of a church.

Without religion how do bring your whole family into a community of moral people who work together to better the country etc.?  They kind works and selfless acts that religion brings are sadly lacking in many other social organizations (not all) but they are not a focal point.  My sorrow of loss sometimes feel never ending.

All Smiles & "New Year Resolution" Progress

Life for me has been looking up – what I have been up to.

I made a new years resolution this year:

1) Friends - maintain and balance a new social life.

2) "Skinny" clothes... lose the 10 lbs I put on for the holiday's, make the gym a reg part of my life!

3) Spirituality - need more yoga, need to think of others more... seek and have faith.

4) Happiness - need to experience more genuine gratitude towards others!

WORK

Well as always I have gotten a little side tracked BUT I have made some progress on the job front (which wasn’t a resolution because it was just a given!).  I have started cleaning to add to my list of jobs – so yes that makes 3.  One of them is a weekend job (when I don’t have the kids).  I work 3 days a week at a book store and 2 days a week cleaning homes.  I have every other weekend off though when I have the kids!  Although I would love to make 3 jobs 2 this is what is getting me by right now!  I have had an increase in bills and not to complain but I take care of all the kids needs because Rob (there father) doesn’t have additional funds to help.  As understanding as I am that doesn’t make it easy. 

Who says money cannot buy you happiness?

Because I recently started the new job although I have less free time, I feel capable of helping provide the things my kids need and some things that they want (or that I want for them).  Titus is in swimming and Guerin is a music class at school – both are having a ball!

I used my school money & tax money to buy some things for the kids (new bedroom organizers), a flat screen (for a great deal) with wireless headphones to go with it (can’t stand to listen to video games more than once), purchased some new music for my phone and the new iphone 4 (my phone features were not working properly).  Of course I paid some bills as well but those were the splurges.

Number 4 - HAPPINESS

I feel happier and blessed to be making enough money now that I am not only surviving but I can buy things like fresh fruit and veggies (which are expensive in my dirt poor family background pov).  I am very very blessed and I owe a great deal of thanks to my older sister Tammy for helping me find the 3^rd job.  I hope I continue to meet the expectations of my employers and provide them good service.

Number 1 – FRIENDS

To make a relationship work you have to accommodate the ones you love and while Jasen socializes very well he prefers to be alone.  I on the other hand require fuel in the form of hanging out with others – creating bonds with more than just my immediate family. 

With that in mind he is accommodating my need to be in the presence of others at least once a month and sometimes twice a month.  We have been making dates with others and interacting with people who are not each other – so in that I feel incredible satisfied!  I am still saddened at my loss of network but I am starting to build a new one. 

Numbers 3 Spirit

Spirit has taken a back seat – sad as that may be, it is the truth.  I do not feel pulled to force myself to make time for this in my life at the moment but squeeze in yoga when I have the time and ability to do so which was probable the last week in February (we had snow and I was sick).  I will fit it in when I can. This new yoga 2 teacher talks less about the calming meditation found in yoga 1 and focuses on the exercise component - so I feel yoga is less of a spiritual outlet.    

I still need to come to a conclusion in my life on my beliefs.  I hope to find time for this in the summer when I take a month off (summer session 2) for meditation and exploration of topics of Buddhism and finding a church I feel comfortable in which has a children’s program.  Side note: hope to take Titus on a camping trip to Kings Island for a few days in the middle of a week.  And maybe pick up playing my guitar again (since I did get a new book for it for Christmas). 

Number 2 – DIET & Exercise

With my increase in budget I have the ability to buy more raw veg – which I could eat all day long.  That being said I expect to start losing more weight at the replacement of calories.  I have heard it said that your plate should be ½ veggie and then the rest and at present I like that idea! 

My ultimate favorite veggie side is squash/zucchini cute in half then one inch squares, sautéed with steak seasoning (optional mushrooms cute in half about 6 to 8).  OMGsh  - it is amazing and I could eat a mound of just that all by myself (which a mound is about 4 squash/zucchini or a mixture of both).  But usually I share half with my other half ;) 

I feel like being sick has made my stomach shrink and these healthy options will hopefully go a long way in helping me make better choices. 

EXERCISE

Until we get some weather I can consistently bike in, then I lack cardio.  Given that my life is pretty full most of the time with work and study time I am not sure how to fit this in.  So I am contemplating buying a treadmill in a few months.  Although I can go to school and walk (eventually run) and swim – I have not yet taken advantage of it and don’t even know when the equipment is available (since it is only parts of the day).  Will be putting that on my to do list (as well as looking at classes for this summer)!  So I label this as: needs improvement (need motivation which usually comes when I start losing weight from eating better)! 

Alright enough about me – what about you?

I love to know what people have been up to.  I find that facebook “notes” are harder to follow than blogs but I sometimes need the short every now and then version of what people are going through.  Which kinda reflects my blog – I don’t write unless I am annoyed about something and need to vent or if I would like to update people with a glimpse of my life.

Who am I really?

A friend posted a blog and a friend of mine re: posted it Regarding "being one of those people!"  It got me thinking – Who are you (am I) at the core of your being?

Click her for Mel's post:

http://www.facebook.com/notes/melanie-bradley/im-one-of-those-people/493765358032

I’m One of Those People…

If you tell me something about myself, I’m gonna internalize it and think on it for hours and days. Good or bad. Right or wrong. I’m gonna ponder. I'm gonna dig deep. I’m an analytical. (For me this is what everyone should do in life.  Change is a process, and people help me see when I need to make a change in my life.)

I am a busy person.  I try to squeeze everything into my time, so if I think I have 5 more minutes – often I will try to tackle something that takes “5 minutes” – being late is part of who I am.  If you say let’s meet at 5, I’ll be there usually by 5:15, and I’ll be frustrated about being late.  I hate being late and having people wait on me but have a hard time balancing time and my endless list of things to accomplish. 

I tend to use the term friend loosely.  I have a hard time trusting people so I have many friendships that are as close as they will ever be – and a few that make me very vulnerable.  If you are my friend, in any capacity I will never hesitate to give/help you in any way I can – I am a giving person.  I can be clingy and obsessed with people – if I like someone I just really like hanging out with them as much as possible but generally can handle being told that they need a break.  I prefer friendships that are deep and those take time to develop.   

If I say I’m gonna do something, I will do my best to keep my word.  I try not to break plans or make promises I can’t keep. I want people to be able to count on me. (Ditto)

If I want to communicate, I’m probably gonna put it in writing. I’m a perfectionist and a lover of language. I like ruminating on every phrase and precisely saying the words in an email, a letter, etc. Face-to-face or on the phone, I tend to stumble along. (I have a hard time remembering what people actually say versus how what they said made me feel.  In writing I have clear definable words to help me figure out what the intention/meaning means versus how it made me feel).

I live intuitively – when I trust my gut (spirit) on something it generally doesn’t steer me wrong.  It is logical but only if you are me.  The more people get to know me, the easier it is for them to see the connections for the choices I make.

I forgive easily.  We are all flawed and will make mistakes. 

I don’t give up easily.  Life offers infinite solutions – we are only limited in our own ability to find them.  So many people give up when I keep pondering how to make it work – I look at life like a puzzle that needs solved.

If I am blunt and painfully honest – don’t take it personally.  I never try to hurt people deliberately/vengefully, and I do think about what I say before I say it.  I don’t have the filter in my brain that says “shield, people from the truth” so you will usually get my actual thoughts and not just what you might expect to hear.  I don’t like to lie, I would rather tell you what I really think then tell you what you want to hear, this can rub some people the wrong way.

Yep, I’m one of those.

Confronting the Ugly and Leaving it in your Dust

“What gives you the right to moan and complain about your plight in life?  Don't you know I have suffered atrocities with which you could not dream but still I have a positive disposition on life?”  I said this to someone the other day – sometimes I am genuinely baffled how people chose to blame everything on moments or things in their lives!  Don’t they know that they are given the power to make a difference to do with their lives what they wish?  Everyone holds the key to unlocking the beauty within but first they have to deal with all of their coping mechanisms and acknowledge all the ways they are broken.  Accept those things about themselves so they can move on in life.  Stop living with "I am this way because..." and refuse to accept it about themselves, go out and find and implement the solutions to make it better.

If you wish to get anywhere you have to first stop being a victim and take control of the things within your realm of domination.  When all hope is gone then what do you have but moments of time in which you live in your sorrows over and over again!?  When will people find the courage to move on in their lives?  When will they find the power to let go of all the things they cling to that are bad for them (for the sake of sheltering themselves from further harm)?  Vulnerability is what makes us human!  

So go out and be honest with yourself, be honest with others, then find solutions.  Don't live in the illusion that your suffering is somehow purposeful and will make it better.  Your suffering is not always righteous (usually builds resentment) and sometimes can blacken and tarnish your soul as much as committing immoral acts.  If you want to do more than live in sorrow confront yourself, your fears, be brave and courageous.  Then work really really hard on finding a solution that works for not just you but for all those who love you. 

Decisions Decisions, Park Pics, & Christianity

Last weekend was fun - this week and weekend was almost all work no play!  Although I did catch up on my blockbuster mail and watched Supernatural all weekend - I also dropped a class!  It was a hard decision but I know my limits and I want to make good grades... so I decided even if I get 2 C's and a B (although at worst I am really hoping I manage all B's) this semester I want to know I was doing the best I can with the time I have and there is no way I would get even close to that if I went full time which is 4 classes (had 2 jobs, and family life)!

I have also been contemplating returning to work full time.  I thought I would have more time for my little people if I did not work full time but I feel I don't have extra time. I am working like crazy and doing class - it seems like I never get the chance to pick up the boys early from school - granted I usually get the privilege of dropping them off in the morning and picking them up in the afternoon by 5pm, I miss them!  On the one hand I have a dream and although supported in that dream I also want to provide opportunities for my family and I need to eventually pay off my student loans!  So I will have to maintain a part time job at least! 

The job I want when I am finished with school is to work from home doing bookkeeping/office support for small companies maybe have an office day once or twice a week. The unfortunate side of part-time work is it usually doesn't come with more opportunity (promotions, pay increases).  I suppose I will have to keep applying to jobs and see what opportunities I can find.  I like to work hard and have the nice things in life some security and promotions a decent car, a nicer house, and the ability to buy my kids the things they need and some of the things they want.  Anyway - I am torn!  So I am going to apply for only jobs I truly see potential in and then maybe I can keep it in balance and live the dream too?!

Pics from last weekend at the Park:

sitting in front of the back door on the porch - so sweet!

Guerin saying wee!  I love this pic even with half his face cut off I think it is interesting!

Such a happy pic - and I love the toothless smile :D

After taking E's pic Titus was like - I want one!

Me, Jasen, and Titus - was trying to snap the 2 of us and Titus wanted in - so we got the 3 of us :)

trying to fit us all in - but Titus declined, saying I was already in one!

Finally got the shot - without the goofyness! 

Faith Contemplations
I am contemplating my faith I find the judgmental aspect that comes with Christianity understandable but not desirable.  It is contradictory to some to love people where they are and to hold them accountable at the same time.  My perspective of this is to speak your mind about your disagreements but ultimately still love them in the end.  I get it that living a lifestyle that does not embrace your own or reflect people's thoughts of what Christianity should be might be difficult to reconcile if people are struggling with their own life and trying to avoid making the choice I made.  Being the glue that keeps everything held together is sometimes a struggle that people deal with constantly and they are just doing the best they can to hold their families together!  I am a symbol of the freedom they do not have, and sometimes desperately want.  It is hard to live in that struggle and then talk to me - struggle free (although I have my share of other problems).  So I understand the judgments on the human level and on why it is equated in a spiritual realm as well.  I understand why some people feel the need to avoid me and not speak with me anymore.  I did not live up to their ideals that they expect for themselves, I get it and don't take it personally but never the less it sometimes hurts. 

What I miss:
I like hanging out with moral people whose idea of having a good time is on par with mine.  I also like being around people who are interested and desire helping others.  I miss those kind souls at my old church but ponder the acceptance factor, the accusatory confrontations, the people who are stuck in their perspective and don't know better. 

What I question:
I am questioning my belief in the infallibility of the Bible, I see it as inspirational but made of man and flawed.  I do not question God or the many aspects we attribute to him.  I do question Christ - not that he sacrificed his life or the miracles he preformed but I wonder if he is more hype than reality (just like in mythology).  I wonder if some of the miracles can be explained scientifically and that maybe he was an inspirational being/God but I question some of his messages - or the way the disciples interrupted his messages.  I question all of the words that are attributed to him.  I question the different perspectives of the disciples and the way the message was "telephoned" down through the centuries, before being put in a book.  Christianity is like a better portrayal of many things from Greek mythology, we still practice some of the very things that came from the pagan religion.  Mythology certainly had it's flaws and was not founded in morals but Christianity merged some of the same practices (I think this is the flawed aspect of man).  I am still studying mythology and find it somewhat fascinating (and cannot go into details about all of my beliefs on how it is a shadow/foundation for a better religion).  To find some of the roots of your current thought pattern embedded in another religion is very interesting and note worthy! 

Buddhism
I do not accept the all or nothing approach.  I also do not believe religion should be a made to order combo - but seeing how I lack the ability to go through time and figure out the hype from the Man then I am not sure what to believe.  This leads me to my last perspective.  Buddhism - something I have been exploring and embrace different aspects of.

I love the top 4 Noble truth's of Buddhism:
1. Life means suffering. 
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable. 
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

These are the things I embrace in my life.  I intertwine this with my perspective of Christianity and believe that there are rewards in our suffering and that we suffer to purify our hearts and so we can better love others who are flawed.  The noble truths do not speak of the compassion aspect that is also heavily emphasized in Buddhism.  This is attractive to me because I think to be a healthy moral, and whole person we have to show others (even those who have wronged us) compassion - this to me is one of the highest forms of love! 

Conclusion
Life for me is not purely logical - I am learning to listen to my intuition or my spirit for direction.  I am allowing myself the ability to explore ideas I never did when I was younger.  It makes my thoughts slightly chaotic and lost sometimes but it is a process.  I have felt the love of God to my inner core - I have been overwhelmed by it and it has left it's mark in my heart.  It is something I cannot erase so I know in some way God does care and love each and every one of his creation.  Even if he does not intercede on our behalf in a way we can witness I believe he weaves our paths intricately and delicately so we can be at a place of enlightenment within our given experience.  Our experience has been lived in the lives of others through every generation (nothing new under the sun) our thoughts have been thought before in others, but our freedom has not always been granted to share our hearts/minds with everyone. 

I don't know what is infallible right but I do know what is wrong.  I try to follow what I believe is right and I don't always make the right decision - am human and therefore flawed.  But I am also capable of great things.  I am complex and simple - a walking contradiction!

Loving my Life

Had a fab weekend: 
Saturday:
Had to work on Sat :( but still managed to take Titus to his first acting class (he will be in it for the whole semester and will be in a production in Jan).  Super excited!  I think he had a good time, admittedly I was a little behind in picking him up and he was the only kid still waiting when I picked up (how sad for him) I will do better next time!  While he was in class I got groceries (slow cashier, aka late).  Took those home then took all 3 boys to the library (yes this was by myself, it was the other 1/2's day to sleep in).  They got books and played we were there about an hour so it was a good but short visit.  Then I dropped them off, headed to work.  Took at test - missed 3 which I think is an 85 (boo). After work I went out for the evening with a girlfriend and was out till early in the morning had a great time and it has been a while since I have done that!

Sunday:
Got to sleep in!  Took the kids to Broadripple - took a ton of pics but they are on camera and not my phone!  We took our bikes and did a bike ride too!  It was a blast, beautiful weather!!  Then we came home and had a wonderful evening enjoying each other's company :)    


Yesterday:

My Oasis

Discovered this path behind the zoo, along the canal on my morning ride with Guerin - when dropping him off at school yesterday!  What a nice way to start the morning!!

Has that "zoo fresh" smell though!  But not to overwhelm, probably not as recommended on an extremely hot day!

 

Getting Ready for the move So I cleaned like crazy!  

Before & after shots!

The Efforts of Packing - stuff that is going to storage tomorrow (this is alot more than it looks!).

It is almost touching our bed!

Today :
I have been busy putting stuff on freecycle (taking pics & placing posts).  Had 6 items down to 2.  I think one of them I am going to try and ebay make about 20-30 bucks. We freecycled a computer and laptop and after thinking about it we probably could have sold it on craigslist... but oh well!  At least it is going to a good family that needs it and is looking forward to having them!  I might have made a friend/contact in the process as well and that is always nice :D

Last but not least - inspired by my 2nd follower ;)

My very good for me lunch.  I think I have dropped 4 lbs in the last 2 weeks!

Goals is to drop 10 by my b-day!  

Taking me from 218 back to 208... or smaller!

"Ideal weight" is to be healthy but I would love to be around 200.

Grilled Cheese w/celery.