UPDATE & Contemplations from my Random Mind

BRIEF UPDATE:
Titus started school yesterday (07/28/2011) - he is in 1st grade at Irvington.  We are working on impulse control... and probable will be for years :D  He has started reading with help and I am so proud of him for not getting defeated and giving up.  He struggles to sound out the words and is getting better - practice, practice, practice :)  I am trying to enroll him in a music class (on scholarship) this fall and looking into a sport that is downtown. 


Guerin is potty training :)  He is peeing like a pro... and officially in big kid undies. Pooping, sigh, not on the potty yet :(   He is adorable when he is not behaving with defiance typical of his age.  He is testing his boundaries and my patience with the word NO.  Bedtime is agonizing!  It's a good thing he is still adorable!

Jasen is currently playing Mass Effect 2... again, ugh!  Luckily he has head phones for the TV so I am not stuck hearing this "virtually stunning" game for the (somewhere in the teens? or 20's) time.  When he has worked it out of his system he will go back to working on his rewrite of his book "Tide of Souls."  He is looking forward to GenCon (as am I). 

Me:
I quit my job at Barnes and Noble, I now work at the Natatorium's front desk (super easy desk job).  I love being in an office again and like that my work load is light, and the atmosphere is laid back.  I can complete school work while at work (which is perfectly acceptable to do... squeals... so LOVE this job).  I am still a caretaker (on the weekends) for an elderly gentleman, and I am cleaning people's homes to make extra income.  I start school on August 22nd - finishing my BS in general studies.  I am very very over booked right now - my August work schedule is intense but I am hoping to find a better balance in September!! 


CONTEMPLATIONS from my Random Mind
Since I embarked on separating from Rob I have felt lost.  I thought a divorce would fix all the disgruntlement in my life and that I would certainly be much happier.  Instead, I found out that I am disgruntled by nature (something I get from my mom - at least I didn't get "the world is out to get me" issues), get lonely easily, and that I have many flaws that need improvement (I even know what some of them are). 

Do I truly feel satisfied? 
I have found satisfaction in the little things. 
       I love to clean for people - when they appreciate it.
       I like when Jasen helps with SOME chores - others I like done my way.
       I try to take special time out to spend with my kids (while not staring at TV).   I delight in their way of viewing the world & in their love, giggles, hugs and smiles they share with me.  

My dis-satisfaction stems usually from myself and so I am trying to talk myself out of my craziness.  I carefully balance the situation and try to see things from a different p.o.v.  As time passes it gets easier for me to understand why I should not be so angry and that I am over-reacting (or that I am justified). 

I am slower to speak now days and ponder things often until some of the raw emotion goes away.  Since Jasen and I spend a good deal of time arguing I figure I needed to evaluate my part of it. Instead of trying to convince someone to change their minds, I present my thoughts and let it go.  Some things though require me to stand my ground if they affect the lives of the kids, or mine to the point where I need to insist on understanding my perspective if only to live in peace, etc. 

I haven't felt worthy of friends lately (nor had alot of time for them).  I know friends are people you are supposed to lean on but I have heavily leaned on people and am boggled that they still find value in me!  LOL,  I know at the core I am a nice person but the things that leave my mouth... how does anyone put up with all that complaining!  You cannot exactly compare yourself to others, you are you and no one else is like you.  I feel others complain too, so maybe it is not so bad (sometimes it helps me feel better when I complain to know I am not they only one).  I know I have good traits too but as far as what I talk about in life it just seems like regurgitated disgruntlement.  I am working on breaking this cycle!

Life is supposed to be tough we all have different types of burdens to bear and it is those burdens that make us stronger.  Without our suffering we would never grow.  I have carried the burden of a very dysfunctional childhood and we all carry the burden of not having clearly defined social expectations. So we grow up carry the baggage of our upbringing into new relationships and then have to try to work those out. 

Some of us have the insight/good fortune/parental influence, etc. to marry someone who is a well suited partner.  It is not as if there are never any troubles but it is a partnership and both try to work to their strengths and try to accept the weaknesses.  It was Rob's strengths that I loved (and I miss) but I could not accept Rob's weaknesses and so I moved on.  I have spent most of my life sacrificing myself for the sake of others - so it has become a habit.  One that people respect about me - but one that can lead to self destruction, or the deterioration of self.

I have spent my whole life adapting to others and them adapting to me, while that is not abnormal, living in multiple environments growing up made it somewhat challenging.  In adapting myself so often it has made it difficult for me to "find" myself.  I am working on finding the balance between self and others. 

Maybe my friends love me for the same reason I love them - sometimes they come to "obvious" solutions that do not click until I hear them say it to me.  Sometimes it is helpful to state the obvious - and sometimes they offer additional solutions that I did not come up with myself.  And sometimes they just listen and love me anyway!  Maybe they see the good and accept my weaknesses?!

So I am not fixed I am still disgruntled, often lonely, work to much, get overwhelmed, struggle with staying healthy, etc. But I am still a person and I am glad you guys/gals love me :)

Why People are Sucked into Church

Many people would say they go to church for a few reasons and some of them have nothing to do with God.  I have been pondering church lately and realized why I miss it so much. 

I have taken a few socialist classes (the study of people’s social structures and how they reflect culture and society) and think the reason people in the US flock to church is because it is the form of community we are all lacking in our actual community.  One of the reasons people spend a good bit of time (in the protestant church) going through the process of find a church that is “just right for their needs” is because they are looking for a group of people who hold similar ideals to themselves.  They are looking for people to make parts of their extended family.  They are looking to make bonds and celebrate take part in the lives of others. 

One of the reasons it is so important to find the right church is because you want to hang with a group of people who have a similar world view – you do not want to be restricted or confined to a specific perspective you do not hold as a truth in your life.  And you want a church with a specific social climate that makes you feel welcome and a part of something bigger than your immediate family. 

What many countries have in their collectivist environments is an obligation to family and to culture.  In the US we channel all of our obligations into our religions and to our immediate family.

The reason this was on my mind because I was thinking about what I miss about church over the last year – what was it I was lacking when my faith is not “Biblical” or defined by a single religion.  So why do I find myself missing the familiar greetings and answers even if I do not believe them?  I realized that for me church has always been a somewhat social club where I made connections with others.  Yes the message would sometimes speak to me (depends on the speaker) but what always appealed to me first was the social scene of a church.

Without religion how do bring your whole family into a community of moral people who work together to better the country etc.?  They kind works and selfless acts that religion brings are sadly lacking in many other social organizations (not all) but they are not a focal point.  My sorrow of loss sometimes feel never ending.

All Smiles & "New Year Resolution" Progress

Life for me has been looking up – what I have been up to.

I made a new years resolution this year:

1) Friends - maintain and balance a new social life.

2) "Skinny" clothes... lose the 10 lbs I put on for the holiday's, make the gym a reg part of my life!

3) Spirituality - need more yoga, need to think of others more... seek and have faith.

4) Happiness - need to experience more genuine gratitude towards others!

WORK

Well as always I have gotten a little side tracked BUT I have made some progress on the job front (which wasn’t a resolution because it was just a given!).  I have started cleaning to add to my list of jobs – so yes that makes 3.  One of them is a weekend job (when I don’t have the kids).  I work 3 days a week at a book store and 2 days a week cleaning homes.  I have every other weekend off though when I have the kids!  Although I would love to make 3 jobs 2 this is what is getting me by right now!  I have had an increase in bills and not to complain but I take care of all the kids needs because Rob (there father) doesn’t have additional funds to help.  As understanding as I am that doesn’t make it easy. 

Who says money cannot buy you happiness?

Because I recently started the new job although I have less free time, I feel capable of helping provide the things my kids need and some things that they want (or that I want for them).  Titus is in swimming and Guerin is a music class at school – both are having a ball!

I used my school money & tax money to buy some things for the kids (new bedroom organizers), a flat screen (for a great deal) with wireless headphones to go with it (can’t stand to listen to video games more than once), purchased some new music for my phone and the new iphone 4 (my phone features were not working properly).  Of course I paid some bills as well but those were the splurges.

Number 4 - HAPPINESS

I feel happier and blessed to be making enough money now that I am not only surviving but I can buy things like fresh fruit and veggies (which are expensive in my dirt poor family background pov).  I am very very blessed and I owe a great deal of thanks to my older sister Tammy for helping me find the 3^rd job.  I hope I continue to meet the expectations of my employers and provide them good service.

Number 1 – FRIENDS

To make a relationship work you have to accommodate the ones you love and while Jasen socializes very well he prefers to be alone.  I on the other hand require fuel in the form of hanging out with others – creating bonds with more than just my immediate family. 

With that in mind he is accommodating my need to be in the presence of others at least once a month and sometimes twice a month.  We have been making dates with others and interacting with people who are not each other – so in that I feel incredible satisfied!  I am still saddened at my loss of network but I am starting to build a new one. 

Numbers 3 Spirit

Spirit has taken a back seat – sad as that may be, it is the truth.  I do not feel pulled to force myself to make time for this in my life at the moment but squeeze in yoga when I have the time and ability to do so which was probable the last week in February (we had snow and I was sick).  I will fit it in when I can. This new yoga 2 teacher talks less about the calming meditation found in yoga 1 and focuses on the exercise component - so I feel yoga is less of a spiritual outlet.    

I still need to come to a conclusion in my life on my beliefs.  I hope to find time for this in the summer when I take a month off (summer session 2) for meditation and exploration of topics of Buddhism and finding a church I feel comfortable in which has a children’s program.  Side note: hope to take Titus on a camping trip to Kings Island for a few days in the middle of a week.  And maybe pick up playing my guitar again (since I did get a new book for it for Christmas). 

Number 2 – DIET & Exercise

With my increase in budget I have the ability to buy more raw veg – which I could eat all day long.  That being said I expect to start losing more weight at the replacement of calories.  I have heard it said that your plate should be ½ veggie and then the rest and at present I like that idea! 

My ultimate favorite veggie side is squash/zucchini cute in half then one inch squares, sautéed with steak seasoning (optional mushrooms cute in half about 6 to 8).  OMGsh  - it is amazing and I could eat a mound of just that all by myself (which a mound is about 4 squash/zucchini or a mixture of both).  But usually I share half with my other half ;) 

I feel like being sick has made my stomach shrink and these healthy options will hopefully go a long way in helping me make better choices. 

EXERCISE

Until we get some weather I can consistently bike in, then I lack cardio.  Given that my life is pretty full most of the time with work and study time I am not sure how to fit this in.  So I am contemplating buying a treadmill in a few months.  Although I can go to school and walk (eventually run) and swim – I have not yet taken advantage of it and don’t even know when the equipment is available (since it is only parts of the day).  Will be putting that on my to do list (as well as looking at classes for this summer)!  So I label this as: needs improvement (need motivation which usually comes when I start losing weight from eating better)! 

Alright enough about me – what about you?

I love to know what people have been up to.  I find that facebook “notes” are harder to follow than blogs but I sometimes need the short every now and then version of what people are going through.  Which kinda reflects my blog – I don’t write unless I am annoyed about something and need to vent or if I would like to update people with a glimpse of my life.