UPDATE & Contemplations from my Random Mind

BRIEF UPDATE:
Titus started school yesterday (07/28/2011) - he is in 1st grade at Irvington.  We are working on impulse control... and probable will be for years :D  He has started reading with help and I am so proud of him for not getting defeated and giving up.  He struggles to sound out the words and is getting better - practice, practice, practice :)  I am trying to enroll him in a music class (on scholarship) this fall and looking into a sport that is downtown. 


Guerin is potty training :)  He is peeing like a pro... and officially in big kid undies. Pooping, sigh, not on the potty yet :(   He is adorable when he is not behaving with defiance typical of his age.  He is testing his boundaries and my patience with the word NO.  Bedtime is agonizing!  It's a good thing he is still adorable!

Jasen is currently playing Mass Effect 2... again, ugh!  Luckily he has head phones for the TV so I am not stuck hearing this "virtually stunning" game for the (somewhere in the teens? or 20's) time.  When he has worked it out of his system he will go back to working on his rewrite of his book "Tide of Souls."  He is looking forward to GenCon (as am I). 

Me:
I quit my job at Barnes and Noble, I now work at the Natatorium's front desk (super easy desk job).  I love being in an office again and like that my work load is light, and the atmosphere is laid back.  I can complete school work while at work (which is perfectly acceptable to do... squeals... so LOVE this job).  I am still a caretaker (on the weekends) for an elderly gentleman, and I am cleaning people's homes to make extra income.  I start school on August 22nd - finishing my BS in general studies.  I am very very over booked right now - my August work schedule is intense but I am hoping to find a better balance in September!! 


CONTEMPLATIONS from my Random Mind
Since I embarked on separating from Rob I have felt lost.  I thought a divorce would fix all the disgruntlement in my life and that I would certainly be much happier.  Instead, I found out that I am disgruntled by nature (something I get from my mom - at least I didn't get "the world is out to get me" issues), get lonely easily, and that I have many flaws that need improvement (I even know what some of them are). 

Do I truly feel satisfied? 
I have found satisfaction in the little things. 
       I love to clean for people - when they appreciate it.
       I like when Jasen helps with SOME chores - others I like done my way.
       I try to take special time out to spend with my kids (while not staring at TV).   I delight in their way of viewing the world & in their love, giggles, hugs and smiles they share with me.  

My dis-satisfaction stems usually from myself and so I am trying to talk myself out of my craziness.  I carefully balance the situation and try to see things from a different p.o.v.  As time passes it gets easier for me to understand why I should not be so angry and that I am over-reacting (or that I am justified). 

I am slower to speak now days and ponder things often until some of the raw emotion goes away.  Since Jasen and I spend a good deal of time arguing I figure I needed to evaluate my part of it. Instead of trying to convince someone to change their minds, I present my thoughts and let it go.  Some things though require me to stand my ground if they affect the lives of the kids, or mine to the point where I need to insist on understanding my perspective if only to live in peace, etc. 

I haven't felt worthy of friends lately (nor had alot of time for them).  I know friends are people you are supposed to lean on but I have heavily leaned on people and am boggled that they still find value in me!  LOL,  I know at the core I am a nice person but the things that leave my mouth... how does anyone put up with all that complaining!  You cannot exactly compare yourself to others, you are you and no one else is like you.  I feel others complain too, so maybe it is not so bad (sometimes it helps me feel better when I complain to know I am not they only one).  I know I have good traits too but as far as what I talk about in life it just seems like regurgitated disgruntlement.  I am working on breaking this cycle!

Life is supposed to be tough we all have different types of burdens to bear and it is those burdens that make us stronger.  Without our suffering we would never grow.  I have carried the burden of a very dysfunctional childhood and we all carry the burden of not having clearly defined social expectations. So we grow up carry the baggage of our upbringing into new relationships and then have to try to work those out. 

Some of us have the insight/good fortune/parental influence, etc. to marry someone who is a well suited partner.  It is not as if there are never any troubles but it is a partnership and both try to work to their strengths and try to accept the weaknesses.  It was Rob's strengths that I loved (and I miss) but I could not accept Rob's weaknesses and so I moved on.  I have spent most of my life sacrificing myself for the sake of others - so it has become a habit.  One that people respect about me - but one that can lead to self destruction, or the deterioration of self.

I have spent my whole life adapting to others and them adapting to me, while that is not abnormal, living in multiple environments growing up made it somewhat challenging.  In adapting myself so often it has made it difficult for me to "find" myself.  I am working on finding the balance between self and others. 

Maybe my friends love me for the same reason I love them - sometimes they come to "obvious" solutions that do not click until I hear them say it to me.  Sometimes it is helpful to state the obvious - and sometimes they offer additional solutions that I did not come up with myself.  And sometimes they just listen and love me anyway!  Maybe they see the good and accept my weaknesses?!

So I am not fixed I am still disgruntled, often lonely, work to much, get overwhelmed, struggle with staying healthy, etc. But I am still a person and I am glad you guys/gals love me :)