Decisions Decisions, Park Pics, & Christianity

Last weekend was fun - this week and weekend was almost all work no play!  Although I did catch up on my blockbuster mail and watched Supernatural all weekend - I also dropped a class!  It was a hard decision but I know my limits and I want to make good grades... so I decided even if I get 2 C's and a B (although at worst I am really hoping I manage all B's) this semester I want to know I was doing the best I can with the time I have and there is no way I would get even close to that if I went full time which is 4 classes (had 2 jobs, and family life)!

I have also been contemplating returning to work full time.  I thought I would have more time for my little people if I did not work full time but I feel I don't have extra time. I am working like crazy and doing class - it seems like I never get the chance to pick up the boys early from school - granted I usually get the privilege of dropping them off in the morning and picking them up in the afternoon by 5pm, I miss them!  On the one hand I have a dream and although supported in that dream I also want to provide opportunities for my family and I need to eventually pay off my student loans!  So I will have to maintain a part time job at least! 

The job I want when I am finished with school is to work from home doing bookkeeping/office support for small companies maybe have an office day once or twice a week. The unfortunate side of part-time work is it usually doesn't come with more opportunity (promotions, pay increases).  I suppose I will have to keep applying to jobs and see what opportunities I can find.  I like to work hard and have the nice things in life some security and promotions a decent car, a nicer house, and the ability to buy my kids the things they need and some of the things they want.  Anyway - I am torn!  So I am going to apply for only jobs I truly see potential in and then maybe I can keep it in balance and live the dream too?!

Pics from last weekend at the Park:

sitting in front of the back door on the porch - so sweet!

Guerin saying wee!  I love this pic even with half his face cut off I think it is interesting!

Such a happy pic - and I love the toothless smile :D

After taking E's pic Titus was like - I want one!

Me, Jasen, and Titus - was trying to snap the 2 of us and Titus wanted in - so we got the 3 of us :)

trying to fit us all in - but Titus declined, saying I was already in one!

Finally got the shot - without the goofyness! 

Faith Contemplations
I am contemplating my faith I find the judgmental aspect that comes with Christianity understandable but not desirable.  It is contradictory to some to love people where they are and to hold them accountable at the same time.  My perspective of this is to speak your mind about your disagreements but ultimately still love them in the end.  I get it that living a lifestyle that does not embrace your own or reflect people's thoughts of what Christianity should be might be difficult to reconcile if people are struggling with their own life and trying to avoid making the choice I made.  Being the glue that keeps everything held together is sometimes a struggle that people deal with constantly and they are just doing the best they can to hold their families together!  I am a symbol of the freedom they do not have, and sometimes desperately want.  It is hard to live in that struggle and then talk to me - struggle free (although I have my share of other problems).  So I understand the judgments on the human level and on why it is equated in a spiritual realm as well.  I understand why some people feel the need to avoid me and not speak with me anymore.  I did not live up to their ideals that they expect for themselves, I get it and don't take it personally but never the less it sometimes hurts. 

What I miss:
I like hanging out with moral people whose idea of having a good time is on par with mine.  I also like being around people who are interested and desire helping others.  I miss those kind souls at my old church but ponder the acceptance factor, the accusatory confrontations, the people who are stuck in their perspective and don't know better. 

What I question:
I am questioning my belief in the infallibility of the Bible, I see it as inspirational but made of man and flawed.  I do not question God or the many aspects we attribute to him.  I do question Christ - not that he sacrificed his life or the miracles he preformed but I wonder if he is more hype than reality (just like in mythology).  I wonder if some of the miracles can be explained scientifically and that maybe he was an inspirational being/God but I question some of his messages - or the way the disciples interrupted his messages.  I question all of the words that are attributed to him.  I question the different perspectives of the disciples and the way the message was "telephoned" down through the centuries, before being put in a book.  Christianity is like a better portrayal of many things from Greek mythology, we still practice some of the very things that came from the pagan religion.  Mythology certainly had it's flaws and was not founded in morals but Christianity merged some of the same practices (I think this is the flawed aspect of man).  I am still studying mythology and find it somewhat fascinating (and cannot go into details about all of my beliefs on how it is a shadow/foundation for a better religion).  To find some of the roots of your current thought pattern embedded in another religion is very interesting and note worthy! 

Buddhism
I do not accept the all or nothing approach.  I also do not believe religion should be a made to order combo - but seeing how I lack the ability to go through time and figure out the hype from the Man then I am not sure what to believe.  This leads me to my last perspective.  Buddhism - something I have been exploring and embrace different aspects of.

I love the top 4 Noble truth's of Buddhism:
1. Life means suffering. 
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable. 
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

These are the things I embrace in my life.  I intertwine this with my perspective of Christianity and believe that there are rewards in our suffering and that we suffer to purify our hearts and so we can better love others who are flawed.  The noble truths do not speak of the compassion aspect that is also heavily emphasized in Buddhism.  This is attractive to me because I think to be a healthy moral, and whole person we have to show others (even those who have wronged us) compassion - this to me is one of the highest forms of love! 

Conclusion
Life for me is not purely logical - I am learning to listen to my intuition or my spirit for direction.  I am allowing myself the ability to explore ideas I never did when I was younger.  It makes my thoughts slightly chaotic and lost sometimes but it is a process.  I have felt the love of God to my inner core - I have been overwhelmed by it and it has left it's mark in my heart.  It is something I cannot erase so I know in some way God does care and love each and every one of his creation.  Even if he does not intercede on our behalf in a way we can witness I believe he weaves our paths intricately and delicately so we can be at a place of enlightenment within our given experience.  Our experience has been lived in the lives of others through every generation (nothing new under the sun) our thoughts have been thought before in others, but our freedom has not always been granted to share our hearts/minds with everyone. 

I don't know what is infallible right but I do know what is wrong.  I try to follow what I believe is right and I don't always make the right decision - am human and therefore flawed.  But I am also capable of great things.  I am complex and simple - a walking contradiction!