Who am I really?

A friend posted a blog and a friend of mine re: posted it Regarding "being one of those people!"  It got me thinking – Who are you (am I) at the core of your being?

Click her for Mel's post:

http://www.facebook.com/notes/melanie-bradley/im-one-of-those-people/493765358032

I’m One of Those People…

If you tell me something about myself, I’m gonna internalize it and think on it for hours and days. Good or bad. Right or wrong. I’m gonna ponder. I'm gonna dig deep. I’m an analytical. (For me this is what everyone should do in life.  Change is a process, and people help me see when I need to make a change in my life.)

I am a busy person.  I try to squeeze everything into my time, so if I think I have 5 more minutes – often I will try to tackle something that takes “5 minutes” – being late is part of who I am.  If you say let’s meet at 5, I’ll be there usually by 5:15, and I’ll be frustrated about being late.  I hate being late and having people wait on me but have a hard time balancing time and my endless list of things to accomplish. 

I tend to use the term friend loosely.  I have a hard time trusting people so I have many friendships that are as close as they will ever be – and a few that make me very vulnerable.  If you are my friend, in any capacity I will never hesitate to give/help you in any way I can – I am a giving person.  I can be clingy and obsessed with people – if I like someone I just really like hanging out with them as much as possible but generally can handle being told that they need a break.  I prefer friendships that are deep and those take time to develop.   

If I say I’m gonna do something, I will do my best to keep my word.  I try not to break plans or make promises I can’t keep. I want people to be able to count on me. (Ditto)

If I want to communicate, I’m probably gonna put it in writing. I’m a perfectionist and a lover of language. I like ruminating on every phrase and precisely saying the words in an email, a letter, etc. Face-to-face or on the phone, I tend to stumble along. (I have a hard time remembering what people actually say versus how what they said made me feel.  In writing I have clear definable words to help me figure out what the intention/meaning means versus how it made me feel).

I live intuitively – when I trust my gut (spirit) on something it generally doesn’t steer me wrong.  It is logical but only if you are me.  The more people get to know me, the easier it is for them to see the connections for the choices I make.

I forgive easily.  We are all flawed and will make mistakes. 

I don’t give up easily.  Life offers infinite solutions – we are only limited in our own ability to find them.  So many people give up when I keep pondering how to make it work – I look at life like a puzzle that needs solved.

If I am blunt and painfully honest – don’t take it personally.  I never try to hurt people deliberately/vengefully, and I do think about what I say before I say it.  I don’t have the filter in my brain that says “shield, people from the truth” so you will usually get my actual thoughts and not just what you might expect to hear.  I don’t like to lie, I would rather tell you what I really think then tell you what you want to hear, this can rub some people the wrong way.

Yep, I’m one of those.

Confronting the Ugly and Leaving it in your Dust

“What gives you the right to moan and complain about your plight in life?  Don't you know I have suffered atrocities with which you could not dream but still I have a positive disposition on life?”  I said this to someone the other day – sometimes I am genuinely baffled how people chose to blame everything on moments or things in their lives!  Don’t they know that they are given the power to make a difference to do with their lives what they wish?  Everyone holds the key to unlocking the beauty within but first they have to deal with all of their coping mechanisms and acknowledge all the ways they are broken.  Accept those things about themselves so they can move on in life.  Stop living with "I am this way because..." and refuse to accept it about themselves, go out and find and implement the solutions to make it better.

If you wish to get anywhere you have to first stop being a victim and take control of the things within your realm of domination.  When all hope is gone then what do you have but moments of time in which you live in your sorrows over and over again!?  When will people find the courage to move on in their lives?  When will they find the power to let go of all the things they cling to that are bad for them (for the sake of sheltering themselves from further harm)?  Vulnerability is what makes us human!  

So go out and be honest with yourself, be honest with others, then find solutions.  Don't live in the illusion that your suffering is somehow purposeful and will make it better.  Your suffering is not always righteous (usually builds resentment) and sometimes can blacken and tarnish your soul as much as committing immoral acts.  If you want to do more than live in sorrow confront yourself, your fears, be brave and courageous.  Then work really really hard on finding a solution that works for not just you but for all those who love you. 

Decisions Decisions, Park Pics, & Christianity

Last weekend was fun - this week and weekend was almost all work no play!  Although I did catch up on my blockbuster mail and watched Supernatural all weekend - I also dropped a class!  It was a hard decision but I know my limits and I want to make good grades... so I decided even if I get 2 C's and a B (although at worst I am really hoping I manage all B's) this semester I want to know I was doing the best I can with the time I have and there is no way I would get even close to that if I went full time which is 4 classes (had 2 jobs, and family life)!

I have also been contemplating returning to work full time.  I thought I would have more time for my little people if I did not work full time but I feel I don't have extra time. I am working like crazy and doing class - it seems like I never get the chance to pick up the boys early from school - granted I usually get the privilege of dropping them off in the morning and picking them up in the afternoon by 5pm, I miss them!  On the one hand I have a dream and although supported in that dream I also want to provide opportunities for my family and I need to eventually pay off my student loans!  So I will have to maintain a part time job at least! 

The job I want when I am finished with school is to work from home doing bookkeeping/office support for small companies maybe have an office day once or twice a week. The unfortunate side of part-time work is it usually doesn't come with more opportunity (promotions, pay increases).  I suppose I will have to keep applying to jobs and see what opportunities I can find.  I like to work hard and have the nice things in life some security and promotions a decent car, a nicer house, and the ability to buy my kids the things they need and some of the things they want.  Anyway - I am torn!  So I am going to apply for only jobs I truly see potential in and then maybe I can keep it in balance and live the dream too?!

Pics from last weekend at the Park:

sitting in front of the back door on the porch - so sweet!

Guerin saying wee!  I love this pic even with half his face cut off I think it is interesting!

Such a happy pic - and I love the toothless smile :D

After taking E's pic Titus was like - I want one!

Me, Jasen, and Titus - was trying to snap the 2 of us and Titus wanted in - so we got the 3 of us :)

trying to fit us all in - but Titus declined, saying I was already in one!

Finally got the shot - without the goofyness! 

Faith Contemplations
I am contemplating my faith I find the judgmental aspect that comes with Christianity understandable but not desirable.  It is contradictory to some to love people where they are and to hold them accountable at the same time.  My perspective of this is to speak your mind about your disagreements but ultimately still love them in the end.  I get it that living a lifestyle that does not embrace your own or reflect people's thoughts of what Christianity should be might be difficult to reconcile if people are struggling with their own life and trying to avoid making the choice I made.  Being the glue that keeps everything held together is sometimes a struggle that people deal with constantly and they are just doing the best they can to hold their families together!  I am a symbol of the freedom they do not have, and sometimes desperately want.  It is hard to live in that struggle and then talk to me - struggle free (although I have my share of other problems).  So I understand the judgments on the human level and on why it is equated in a spiritual realm as well.  I understand why some people feel the need to avoid me and not speak with me anymore.  I did not live up to their ideals that they expect for themselves, I get it and don't take it personally but never the less it sometimes hurts. 

What I miss:
I like hanging out with moral people whose idea of having a good time is on par with mine.  I also like being around people who are interested and desire helping others.  I miss those kind souls at my old church but ponder the acceptance factor, the accusatory confrontations, the people who are stuck in their perspective and don't know better. 

What I question:
I am questioning my belief in the infallibility of the Bible, I see it as inspirational but made of man and flawed.  I do not question God or the many aspects we attribute to him.  I do question Christ - not that he sacrificed his life or the miracles he preformed but I wonder if he is more hype than reality (just like in mythology).  I wonder if some of the miracles can be explained scientifically and that maybe he was an inspirational being/God but I question some of his messages - or the way the disciples interrupted his messages.  I question all of the words that are attributed to him.  I question the different perspectives of the disciples and the way the message was "telephoned" down through the centuries, before being put in a book.  Christianity is like a better portrayal of many things from Greek mythology, we still practice some of the very things that came from the pagan religion.  Mythology certainly had it's flaws and was not founded in morals but Christianity merged some of the same practices (I think this is the flawed aspect of man).  I am still studying mythology and find it somewhat fascinating (and cannot go into details about all of my beliefs on how it is a shadow/foundation for a better religion).  To find some of the roots of your current thought pattern embedded in another religion is very interesting and note worthy! 

Buddhism
I do not accept the all or nothing approach.  I also do not believe religion should be a made to order combo - but seeing how I lack the ability to go through time and figure out the hype from the Man then I am not sure what to believe.  This leads me to my last perspective.  Buddhism - something I have been exploring and embrace different aspects of.

I love the top 4 Noble truth's of Buddhism:
1. Life means suffering. 
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable. 
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

These are the things I embrace in my life.  I intertwine this with my perspective of Christianity and believe that there are rewards in our suffering and that we suffer to purify our hearts and so we can better love others who are flawed.  The noble truths do not speak of the compassion aspect that is also heavily emphasized in Buddhism.  This is attractive to me because I think to be a healthy moral, and whole person we have to show others (even those who have wronged us) compassion - this to me is one of the highest forms of love! 

Conclusion
Life for me is not purely logical - I am learning to listen to my intuition or my spirit for direction.  I am allowing myself the ability to explore ideas I never did when I was younger.  It makes my thoughts slightly chaotic and lost sometimes but it is a process.  I have felt the love of God to my inner core - I have been overwhelmed by it and it has left it's mark in my heart.  It is something I cannot erase so I know in some way God does care and love each and every one of his creation.  Even if he does not intercede on our behalf in a way we can witness I believe he weaves our paths intricately and delicately so we can be at a place of enlightenment within our given experience.  Our experience has been lived in the lives of others through every generation (nothing new under the sun) our thoughts have been thought before in others, but our freedom has not always been granted to share our hearts/minds with everyone. 

I don't know what is infallible right but I do know what is wrong.  I try to follow what I believe is right and I don't always make the right decision - am human and therefore flawed.  But I am also capable of great things.  I am complex and simple - a walking contradiction!

Loving my Life

Had a fab weekend: 
Saturday:
Had to work on Sat :( but still managed to take Titus to his first acting class (he will be in it for the whole semester and will be in a production in Jan).  Super excited!  I think he had a good time, admittedly I was a little behind in picking him up and he was the only kid still waiting when I picked up (how sad for him) I will do better next time!  While he was in class I got groceries (slow cashier, aka late).  Took those home then took all 3 boys to the library (yes this was by myself, it was the other 1/2's day to sleep in).  They got books and played we were there about an hour so it was a good but short visit.  Then I dropped them off, headed to work.  Took at test - missed 3 which I think is an 85 (boo). After work I went out for the evening with a girlfriend and was out till early in the morning had a great time and it has been a while since I have done that!

Sunday:
Got to sleep in!  Took the kids to Broadripple - took a ton of pics but they are on camera and not my phone!  We took our bikes and did a bike ride too!  It was a blast, beautiful weather!!  Then we came home and had a wonderful evening enjoying each other's company :)    


Yesterday:

My Oasis

Discovered this path behind the zoo, along the canal on my morning ride with Guerin - when dropping him off at school yesterday!  What a nice way to start the morning!!

Has that "zoo fresh" smell though!  But not to overwhelm, probably not as recommended on an extremely hot day!

 

Getting Ready for the move So I cleaned like crazy!  

Before & after shots!

The Efforts of Packing - stuff that is going to storage tomorrow (this is alot more than it looks!).

It is almost touching our bed!

Today :
I have been busy putting stuff on freecycle (taking pics & placing posts).  Had 6 items down to 2.  I think one of them I am going to try and ebay make about 20-30 bucks. We freecycled a computer and laptop and after thinking about it we probably could have sold it on craigslist... but oh well!  At least it is going to a good family that needs it and is looking forward to having them!  I might have made a friend/contact in the process as well and that is always nice :D

Last but not least - inspired by my 2nd follower ;)

My very good for me lunch.  I think I have dropped 4 lbs in the last 2 weeks!

Goals is to drop 10 by my b-day!  

Taking me from 218 back to 208... or smaller!

"Ideal weight" is to be healthy but I would love to be around 200.

Grilled Cheese w/celery.

Misery & The Power of the Tongue

Sometimes we wonder:  Where did the love go?  Why did it end a certain way or why I am currently so miserable?  Often time’s we are miserable because we choose to be - meaning we have embraced our misery as a way of life, we have found it acceptable to walk hand and hand with misery and provide it company.  When we have the power to let go, and be happy.  It's just we spend so much time swallowing it down and accepting it that it is hard to actually fix it (as there is usually a way to go about fixing it - depending on where you are in the relationship and how much misery you have endured). 

Sometimes finding happiness means being honest with yourself on what you desire and need why you are not getting it.  It doesn't always mean that you have to walk away from where you are in life to find happiness.  I think that we are our own worst enemy most of the time.  Usually people are unhappy in their relationships.  They spend hours and hours thinking it is the other person's actions that are making them unhappy but it is usually their own self (like getting overwhelmed with housework and not really knowing how to express this in a manner that gets results).  Sometimes it means accepting things we hate because they out weigh the things we love - but usually it means accepting that in our vast abilities are limited in life, as are others.

So back to misery - and the power of the tongue:  "Dr. Laura comments that today, women have replaced feminine wiles with disdain, hypersensitivity, criticism, bullying, and nagging.  She says a woman’s words destroy the very thing she wants most. Whether it is a more romantic or emotional or communicative husband, example after example from male and female readers and listeners shows that what a woman speaks to her man shapes and molds what she gets back in return. (this is also talked about in the bible on the power of the tongue).
"If I really believe all the things I say/think/complain about him, why on earth are we married?",
"If I love him so much, why do I act so unloving and disrespectful?"
"What will make him continue to love me if I continue to act this way?"

It is amazing how we talk and treat the people we love in life.  They get the unshielded uncensored versions of our thought process which means they get the good and the ugly.  But sometimes we should think silently before we talk out loud - about how our words will impact the other.  If I say this what will that message mean to my listener? 

When we talk to children we adapt our speech so they can understand - we must do this for our significant other as well.  It is not because they lack comprehension but it is because we need to almost be more manipulate/persuasive when we talk.  We have to remain respectful but when we are bothered about something it is usually because we are overwhelmed and need help. Or because we feel like we lack something we long for in the relationship.  Demanding the thing we lack will probably cause stress to everyone but talking about what we need, miss, or would love to do is sometimes a better approach (which takes some self contemplation). Dictating the form of help expected usually meets resistance “you forgot to take out the trash again!  You know I don’t feel good why didn’t you do the dishes?”  but saying simply “I really feel overwhelmed, I could really use your help” can make a significant difference. 

Positive in positive out – some people are so positive you just wanna slappem but you don’t and generally speaking they are usually some of the nicest people but it seems like nothing ever fazes them.  These people have learned the secret of letting things go – I don’t mean be lazy – I mean having serenity in your life.  The kind of peace and tranquility that comes when you can relax accept that you are limited and know you will only get what is intended done.  Everything else will happen when it happens.

Anyway on a side note:  Things a man needs:  “Dr. Laura explains that emotionally men are "simple" creatures and women only need provide such basic necessities as respect, gratitude, food, sex, and some space for "guy time" in order to achieve the happy home they truly desire.”

Inspired by & Quotes from: http://www.cbn.com/700club/guests/bios/laura_schlessinger_021304.aspx

Back N Bloggin

Due to encouragement by my so far - one follower.  I have exported all my former blogs into this one. 

As I am in transition to become a different person in life - and life is one big transformation process.  Please forgive me as I grow because I am still very challenged in my knowledge and limited in my powers! 

Life for me has been a mask of my own making and I'm comin out - although I will try to maintain dignity by acknowledging basic considerations I might say something controversial just because or because I actually believe it at the time.  It might spark a nerve - feel free to leave me a spirited comment. 

It isn't always nice, or pretty but it's my perspective on life.

So without further apologies: this is my arena to share my thoughts about my speck of the world.